This year was a year of plenty changes. Accepting change is a bit difficult. I get comfortable and want everything to remain quiet for the most part. I decided in the beginning of the year to face my health issues only to find I avoided for far to long and have found other health issues I now have to face.
The COVID hit and I got to say that is a hard one to accept. That change is still going and affecting millions. I think it is important to accept change because then you are more prepared for the what if’s. It has changed way of life for all of us. The thought of having to wear a mask stresses me out so instead order from home! I can accept that change because I don’t like the mask. I am so claustrophobic, and can’t handle it for long periods without going into a cough gagging attack. I just can’t breathe. But I will wear one when I need to go into any public place. I don’t want to get sick. If I protect myself I protect others. And this disease has to stop somewhere.
I cannot wrap my head around why people are fighting this. I understand it is our right but don’t we want to get our lives back to some normalcy without the large amounts of daily deaths? We should want to help anyway we could even if you are unsure the mask would help. It is just better safe than sorry.
This was the year of me making changes to my life. Some forced but some are my choice. Letting go of one-sided relationships, toxic relationships on top of facing some major health issues. Got to say it has been a roller coaster.
Accepting change is a process and for this post I think I want to focus on relationships and friendships.
I came to realize that you should not have to work hard at staying connected with friends and family. It should come natural, don’t you think?
Yes fights happen, but so should forgiveness over things. If you are not able to forgive well then it is time to move on.
I realized this at the end of last year and decided right after Christmas that I was going to let go and not try anymore. What an eye opener! It was hard at first and to be honest it still is. It hurts. Just don’t understand it. But I now know that trying to hold onto something that someone let go of years ago is a waste of time.
Do I have that “everybody should like me” syndrome? Yea probably. Do I think people should not hold grudges, “absolutely”. Do I think people should be able to say how they feel if something bothers them, “Yes”. But silence drives me nuts. Ha I guess that is why they do it then. Ok so I need to shake it off.
I was faced with another situation which I am totally mixed up about. Only because I was friends with someone who was so verbally abusive to their child it drove me nuts. Overall she is a good person with messed up background. She had a rough life and she never healed from it. No excuse because you do not treat people the way you do not like to be treated.
She did do many things good for her son but at the cost of breaking his self esteem down to a point that he thought life was not worth living. She giveth and taketh away every chance she could get. She did not allow him to be a kid and have fun. She controlled him so much it was hard to watch. Then on another note she taught him how to survive. He did get to do things but only when she wanted it to happen. Going to keep light of the details..but it was an intense relationship.
I think I made excuses in my head to avoid facing the reality of how this was affecting him. Many of calls she was upset and would say things that moms should not say about their kids, especially in front of them. It was hard to listen. So I would offer to take him during school breaks and/or just pick him up so she can have a breather. She was crying for help but would not get it professionally so the least I could do is give her that break.
But as I listened to her and talked with her son it broke my heart to see them both in this situation. I wanted to help and offered it so many different ways but she thought I wanted to take him and let him have fun and play games all the time. You know be a kid.
He started to run away alot and at times she would kick him out of the house. Take everything from him and just tell him to figure it out. Heartbreaking to watch. I remember saying you only have less than two years left before he turned 18 you can still change the relationship. But no she already gave up, she wanted him out, and knew he would never look back.
So since she was not willing to get help I told the son please know my door is open if you ever need a place to get away. When she knew I said that she was pissed and cut me off from our friendship. She said I forbid you to allow him to come to your house if he runs away. I forbid you to talk to my son anymore. I tried telling her that wouldn’t you want to know that he is safe since you kick him out and say how much you despise him, how worthless he is, and how you can’t wait for him to get out of your life.
Coming from a background of abusive relationships it is not surprising that I stayed friends with a person like this. I had fun with her and our kids got along so well. I know she had good in her. She had a bad childhood too so I know the pain but she just did not believe she needed help nor would she own her side. I am a believer in ok, yea you can blame your parents for your childhood but the choices you make today and tomorrow is on you. The only way to heal and let go is to accept it is time to change for you.
We all have a part in things that happen to us for the most part but we can’t change what others did to us but we can change what we do to others.
I chose to forgive the ones who hurt me and tried to say sorry to the ones I hurt. I will never turn my back away from someone who needs my help.
About a month ago I got the call asking for my help and I did not hesitate to help. He told me what happened. In short he said she kicked him out again and he asked if he can come stay with us. Now mind you this was a month after he tried to hurt himself because he thought there was no way out. Was I supposed to say no? That is what she would have wanted me to do but that is not me. I can’t see a boy living on a street. It is wrong.
I tried helping him in the past by talking with him while he stayed at my house because they needed a break. He did not want to go back then but I did not know what to do without calling child services. And that was something I could not get myself to do at that time. So I told him that he needs to go back and give it another shot. I suggested to try to open up to his mom by being honest. Even if she does not like what you say at least you are being honest. Do everything she asks without a fight. Walk away when the fight starts. Well that backfired. She used everything he said to her in trust and threw it in his face. He tried to open and she stepped all over it.
It was hard to drop him off because I knew she was going to forbid him from me ever seeing him again. But I told him no matter if we do not talk for a year or two I am a phone call away and if he needs my help he can call me anytime. She cut him off from everyone she hated. It was so sad to watch her isolate. I remember her saying she is just going to give him the bare basics to live until he gets the F out of my house.
A few months went by after he was home, and he ended up in the hospital. Then she kicked him out not far after that. He went to the police and told them that he got kicked out and was not a runaway, and he was safe. He then called me. This time I knew I had to help, god forbid he would hurt himself again, his mom would never forgive herself. She wanted him out so I will help make that happen.
He said child service was involved and they got a hold of me to discuss the matter. I was so hesitant cause she was a friend. But really what kind of friend was she? All I knew is that I could not fail helping him since the adults in his life kept failing him. When Child services called they said they are sending the police to assess the situation. All they did was check on him and see if he was ok and if he wanted to go back, and he said no. My so called friend tried to tell the police that I allow kids to smoke pot in my house and that he needs to get out of my house. I mean really. Spew more lies. That was so messed up. But then again she was desperate because she was realizing that she was losing control.
So from that point we had a lot of work ahead of us since she had his permit, birth certificate and social security card. So with a lot of work and research we were able to get a hold of his father for help. There was no turning back after that. He was able to get everything he needs to start school over here, get a drivers permit, and reconnect him with family he was forbidden to see for years. His father and brother are beyond ecstatic to have him in their lives so they can reconnect.
Since he is going to be 17 in a few months child services said that they don’t want to touch this case. He is allowed to make his own decision. He doesn’t have to emancipate, nor does he have to ask anyone to take on legal custody. When I told him this he was so relieved. He could not believe he did not have to go back. He was hesitant and thought if she shows up he would have to go back but I assured him he does not. The cops will make sure that he stays where he wants to stay.
On one note I feel like I betrayed a friend because I knew this is not what she wanted. But on the flip side of this a boy was needing my help from a toxic environment and I had to do what I can to be supportive in his decisions. I hated the way things turn out. Very sad. Am I sorry, no! Absolutely not. I have seen a change in this boy, a complete 180. He is such a good kid. I see a great future for him, and excited to watch him grow into the man he chooses. He got one great year of non drama in front of him.
He reconnected with his father and brother he hasn’t seen since he was little. What a reunion that was. Reconnecting with cousins, aunties, and grandparents which was very emotional for them. Tears of joy is what I watched from each one of them. This boy has love all around him. And now it is up to him to stay connected to his family or not. His choice!
So even though I feel like I betrayed a friend I do believe I did the right thing by helping. This is what she wanted and was preparing for. She can no longer blame anyone for their miserable life choices. O I guess she can blame me. Bottom line she needs to look in a mirror and see who is really to blame. And go get help. Once she can come to terms with that maybe she will go get help.
My only wish is hope that he can forgive her. And she can forgive herself. Everyone deserves a second chance. So maybe one day they can reconnect and build a better relationship. I know he hurts, I know he does care. I told him to remember she does love him. We only get one mom or dad. She can’t hurt him anymore so maybe knowing that they can build a different relationship. Who knows. This is me wishing for everyone to forgive! But to get forgiveness you have to find it within yourself and forgive your part in this, and just say sorry!
Forgiveness heals, closure is important for the soul. I know she won’t ever forgive me and that is ok. I don’t need it. We all lost something here. But someone did gain something and that is this boy. And it was all worth the sacrifice of losing a one sided friendship.
No one should be treated with disrespect. If you want respect you need to give respect. Talking down to your children or anyone is just wrong on so many levels. We need to remember we are their parents. We need to praise them, raise them, and teach them with hard work and dedication that they can achieve anything they want in life.
Accepting change is hard, owning your part is harder. Not everyone is going to like you so you need to be okay with it. Surround yourself with nice people, people who are positive, people who are just all around good people. Let go of toxic relationships. You will be so much more happier without them in your life.
We all have another side. We are not perfect we are human. We make mistakes. Own your part! Accept help! Get help!